How do you prevent yourself from raising brats? Particularly when you think that you secretly are one.
We live in a wealthy area, so this is a particular concern of mine. The average house in our neighborhood costs around $500,000. Chubby Checker lives around the corner. Really. (Well, our
little neighborhood isn't like that. We live in you might consider our town's "ghetto".) Two kids
in my daughter’s pre-school class have moms who drive Hummers. Two! In a class of like ten. Blah
blah nannies, blah bling blah….
But because of this, our view of what is "normal" is totally skewed. I catch myself feeling 'poor' all the time – which we most certainly are not. But I look at other people around us living in beautiful huge
homes, driving luxury cars, wearing designer clothes, shopping all the time… and I feel like we
must be poor because we stick to a strict budget. I know that's not
true and I give myself a nice lecture when I catch myself slipping into
that thought pattern.
But how can I help my children with this same
thing? They see their friends going to Disney every year,
taking horseback riding lessons and wearing real Uggs. And they are getting old enough to notice that they are not.
I want them to have every advantage, but I don’t want them to be brats. Not like we can afford ‘every advantage’ anyway. I love
that they are so happy with so little. We can go to the mall on a Friday night to window shop and they’re thrilled to just throw pennies
in the fountain and visit the Disney Store with minimal whining. (I fully realize that this will not last.)
I’m very concerned about our girls having a proper perspective of money
and wealth. We have been richly blessed by God and we are to be
thankful and not covetous. But I remember being in high school and
“needing” to wear expensive name brands to be cool. I don’t want them
to be laughed at or anything, but at the same time I am not going to
buy them $200 jeans and $150 boots. Even if I could afford it. As of now, our plan is
to ship them off to their grandparents when they complain about being
poor, who live as missionaries in rural India. ("You don't have cool
shoes? Poor baby. Why don't you so see some kids who don't have shoes and then come tell me about your problems…") But that may be a bit extreme.
All this to say, how are you not raising brats?
About Melissa
This is one of my biggest fears. So far, I just try to set rules, enforce them, and not give them everything they ask for. Luckily, they’re still at the age where they don’t care what brand their clothes and toys are. My goal: my kids will understand that life is not just about them, and hard work will get you farther than a handout.
Well obviously you know my little one is about 5 inches long … but in terms of the designer jeans thing, I like the idea of figuring out how much you would spend on decent quality non-designer clothes for, say, a fourteen year old, and telling them you’ll pay that much. If they want to “upgrade” to designer then they have to start babysitting, raking lawns, etc. to make up the difference. Establishes work ethic and the value of the dollar. (and they may decide it’s not worth the 20 hours of babysitting for the label on the jeans …) When I was a teen my MANY babysitting hours paid for ballet classes, pointe shoes, etc …
Oh I have this fight all the time, but with myself. I remember how I didn’t have the option growing up, and wish I could give that to my kids. But, then I remember the goal, to raise good kids and step back. It is hard.
We have set rules too, each child has to save their own money for things they “HAVE to have”, I don’t buy just because. I know that some of their friends get this, but mine have to earn it. Boo even asked last night what she could do to earn extra since we don’t do allowance tied in with chores. It made me proud since she is saving for something she really wants.
Even as a grown-up, I feel pressure to keep up with my colleagues, friends and neighbors. When I first started my current job, I was told by one of the partners that she had noticed that I was the only attorney who drove an american car (I drove a Jeep Grand Cherokee at the time). I couldn’t believe it. Why would anyone care what I drove?
I worry about A. being influenced by those same things. Because of the hours that both TK4 and I work and where we work in location to our house, public school will not be an option (if we don’t move closer). I worry how that will affect A too! I guess that I have alot to think about in the next few years.
Oh, and where you love is not the ghetto!
I meant “live” but “love” works too
i know its not really ghetto
my neighbors and i joke about our modest little neighborhood compared to the rest of the town – hee hee!!
You have seen many aspect of how I grew up. I went to a school where I was one of the poor kids- and well you know the truth of that. I did feel bad about it but at the same time my parents gave me so much more, they took me traveling. Because of all my traveling, I saw poverty first hand and it hit me so hard. I knew how good I had it, that is not to say I didn’t every once in a while complain. In the end… it doesn’t matter what jeans I wore- I know they will know that in the end as well. Although, I can see (from experience) how hard the journey might be.
Hi Melissa,
I completely understand your dilema, because we’ve faced the same thing for years. Our area, in general, is very wealthy. My kids have many friends who live in million dollar plus homes. We’ve purposely kept them in public school, because we want them to see that there are kids from all walks of life – some have, and some don’t. I try hard to shop sales, especially now that my oldest is in Jr. High. No matter what we think, it’s important to them to have some of the “cool” name brands. I just found $6 Aero t-shirts at the mall! We also try to get them involved with service projects, and coorespond with our sponsored child. His pictue hangs in our pantry so they see it every time they go get a snack. They’ve had to choose one activity, not 4. They have come to see that their friends who have a lot more “stuff” aren’t usually very thankful for it, and they don’t want to be like that. I’m not saying it’s easy, but I think you’re on the right track. Teaching contentment early on is a precious gift to them! I could go on and on…. email me if you want to chat more about it!
I would just say to set the example in your home of showing delight and gratitude for what you have, and working really hard to not show a spirit of envy (I know it can be tough sometimes!).
I struggle with this too. The comments are helpful!
Melissa, I don’t know you but I’ve been reading your blog for awhile and I think you’re going to do all the right things to make sure that your kids are grateful and not always wanting more.
We also live in a wealthy area and I have the same concerns for my kids. I think it’s really important to give our kids perspective on how things are in the other 99% of the world. We adopt Compassion children, give to food pantries, participate in toy drives. At their b-day parties, I request that their friends bring an item for the food pantry instead of a gift. A few weeks ago, we held a bake sale in our neighborhood to benefit a local food pantry. We don’t give them a lot for Christmas or their birthdays.
Is it working? They’re only 7 and 5 so it’s too soon to say. I do know that they don’t ask for a lot and they have an awareness that there are kids who aren’t as lucky as they are. They’ve also discovered that giving to others is fun.
Sorry for the long comment. This is something that’s really important to me, too. I guess I’ll just do what I’m always doing when it comes to parenting- keep praying for wisdom and guidance! Good luck. I think you’re going to do just fine.
My kids also go to a school where the kids are much more affluent than them. I’ve always told them that even though their friends have big beautiful houses and drive new cars that is not how the rest of the world lives.
That being said, we also don’t act like we are missing out on something because we don’t always get to buy everything we want and teach them the value of saving for items.
I always tell the “where does your treasure lie?” And our family motto is to live in the world not of the world.
We are also heavily involved in our church. All of our kids have a very giving and serving heart. (13, 10 & 7) I will say that with my oldest daughter being 13 now people do comment to me that she does stand out because of her caring nature. She is very well rounded.
Sorry for the long comment but I truly understand your dilemma.
I’m determined not to raise brats too. My plan:
1) practice gratitude by creating a list of things we’re grateful for every night at dinner and a few times a year, pick a few things off that list to give to someone else.
2) in asking our kids about their day, we’ll ask, “what did you do today for someone else that they could not do for themselves?”
3) Make volunteer work – soup kitchens, build a bike (a program in our area where kids “make” bicycles for kids who can’t afford them), a part and parcel of who we are. Make time for it and do it.
4) When they start to reach the age where they are so focused on themselves (tweens), expose them to things much greater then themselves: travel, put together a holiday for a family who wouldn’t have had one without their help, stand at the edge of the grand canyon, go for a 3 day hike with tent on their backs, etc.
A lot of it will have to do with your attitude, I think. If they see you being grateful for and content with what you have, they are more likely to feel that way. Don’t belittle or denigrate the people who have nicer things, but make a point to let your kids know where you stand, whether it is a matter of money or just principle. I think helping your kids develop a healthy self-worth that is not tied to material things will help a lot. I had very few name brand things growing up, partly because my parents wouldn’t pay for them and partly because I was too darn practical. Why get a pair of jeans that cost 80 bucks when I could get jeans, a shirt, and maybe cute shoes for that price somewhere else? My parents did a good job of giving us the occasional special treat/fancy item, but also making us realize the needs of our family and whatnot. Somehow though, I never developed that typical preteen/teenage sense that my popularity/worth was tied up in my stuff. But I know that is rare. So I’m trying to do all I can to foster the good things in my children. Good luck on your journey!
You know, I think you should visit India with your family every chance you get. What a valuable, eye-opening experience that would be.
At a local level, you could volunteer at a homeless shelter or sort food at the food bank or do research together on what life is like for children around the globe.