I’ve realized that there is no way I can go to my grandmother’s funeral.
Can you just sit back and imagine the guilt?
Husband is in Europe. I’m in Ohio. If I had been at home in Philly, maybe I could have driven up there by myself. But there is no way I can drive 11+ hours by myself, with 2 kids, to Connecticut. Never mind the snowstorm in the forecast. Or the fact this is the weekend before Christmas, which would surely not mean traffic on the New York Thruway. (which never has traffic normally or anything.)
And you can only imagine the prices of flights. Last minute. The weekend before Christmas. Yeek.
So I can’t go. Neither can my brother, who is basically in the same boat (only not pregnant with two kids). But, I’m still feeling very guilty about only sending flowers and stuff. Extremely guilty.
My dad doesn’t really care that we’re not going and I know its not going to cause a scandal or anything. (Dad’s family is fairly mellow…) But it doesn’t erase the fact that I’m not going to be at my own grandmother’s funeral. I know I’ve made the right decision for our family, but there is still that lingering voice in my head telling me I really should be there. There must be some scenario that I haven’t thought of yet to get there. Any other time, I probably could have been there. If I had been home, I could have been there. Or if it wasn’t Christmas, I probably could have gotten a flight…
This sucks.
About Melissa
you can get a bereavement rate from the airlines… and if your mom kept your kids, could you fly out and back? I know you are in your decision, I am just thinking outloud…
If you want us to practice parenting for a few days we’d be glad to take the girls … but of course you’d have to get them here to Philly.
Two things: first, your bro went through almost exactly the same thought process (I want to go, I can’t go, no one will be bad if I don’t go, but I should go, but there’s no way I can go)… I know that doesn’t make it feel any better, but at least you know you’re not alone (though I understand, he’s not pregnant with two kids…lol).
Secondly, I rarely tell people about this but I missed my own grandmother’s funeral a few years ago. I was a senior in college and had been going through some tough times, and when I found out she died (the day before my birthday!) I just couldn’t handle it. The morning of her funeral I woke up unable to stand up (I was so disoriented I had no idea which way WAS up), with blurred vision, shaking, and the worst ringing in my ears you could ever imagine. I ended up having my mother drive an hour to literally pick me up out of bed and take me to the hospital.
I was supposed to be a pallbearer at my grandmother’s funeral, and I didn’t even show up. I spent a lot of time trying to reconcile that fact, (keep in mind, my family is MUCH more judgemental of its members than yours is!) and I am ok with it. I want to visit her grave one day so I can get official “closure”… but really, as someone who had to miss her GM’s funeral I can tell you that it ends up ok.
oops, I meant no one will be “mad” in the first line. Not “bad.” I am so getting fired from my job.
((HUGS)) You’re doing the best you can. I know it’s hard, though. Try not to beat yourself up about it.
Don’t beat yourself up. I did not get to go to my grandmother’s funeral (also in December) and I felt guilty for a long time. But the truth is – I have a lot of beautiful memories of her sparkling personality and sharp wit, and don’t have any remembrance of seeing her lying there… For me, it’s some small comfort being able to remember her as she lived.
She knows how much you cherished her. And she also knows that you’ll be there in spirit. xo.