“i’m fine, thanks!”

Why do I always say this when people ask me how I am? “Fine” is subjective, I guess. And sort-of honest. I mean – by most standards – I am doing quite “fine.”

But a more honest answer would probably be “really, really tired.” or “A little frustrated with the whole stay-at-home-mom gig.” or “Worried about this and that. And this other thing.” or “Deeply pondering the effectiveness of my mothering skills.” or “Desperately counting down the days to my vacation.” or “Sick to death of picking up other people’s crap.” or “Stressing out about these wrinkles around my eyes and wondering where my youth went.” or “Wondering why everyone keeps telling me that these will be the best years of my life. Because I don’t find that very encouraging.” or “Trying not to stress out about school choices for next year.” (The list goes on and on with no end to the crazy in sight. Trust me.)

Do I say “fine” because I’m embarrassed that I’m not *gasp* the perfect Christian/wife/mother? Or because I don’t want to bother people with my trivial problems? Or because I want them to read my blog to find out what’s really going on in my whacked-out mind? Or because I don’t feel like I know them well enough to be truly vulnerable? (Unlike on this blog, with which I am brutally honest to perfect strangers. Ponder that one.) Or because I’m afraid that once I start talking about what’s really bothering me, I won’t be able to shut up and they’ll think I’m nuts?

Seriously, my Bible Study leader just called to check in and see how I’m doing. I said, “I’m doing fine! Thanks for calling!” Which really isn’t true. I’ve cried a lot this week. “Just pray for my family to stay healthy and for wisdom in parenting the girls!” Which I certainly need, but could be much more specific and truthful.  And when I call the ladies who are in my study once a week to check in, they tell me that they’re “fine.” But are they? And I tell them that I’m fine. Which I know I’m not really. I feel like we are wasting time being superficial.

I think that will be my goal for my study next fall. I think we need to be more real with each other, even if we’re a little embarrassed. And I need to step up and model this to my ladies, even if its a bit scary to be vulnerable.

Now I’m going to take a nap. Thinking is making my brain hurt.